I rarely (a few times a year over the last five years) use River Mud as a bully pulpit because it's just not my style. Sometimes, though, I get aggravated. And I have a few/eight gripes to share, none of which warrant their own blog post.
1. To the loose cannon bloggers: I am so tired of the overused, ridiculous meme of "here on my blog, I pull no punches." First of all, who the hell are you, Dirty Harry or something? Wolverine? No. You're some dude who works a 9-5 gig in an office, probably drives either a Toyota, Subaru, or Jeep, and who happens to have an outdoors blog. Stop taking your opinion so seriously.
"I pull no punches!" Do you know how dumb that sounds? Here, I'll tell you. It sounds like, "This is my blog, and I act like a four year old boy being told he is going to Princess Camp this summer!"
Most precisely, it sounds like, "If you sponsor me or my site, I will most definitely embarrass your brand at some point."
If you write for Fox News or MSNBC, those are all good things. Otherwise, they are not, and readers are almost always put off by the braggadocio. So please, don't not pull any punches on my account.
|"I have no special skills and have|
never seen the places you blog
about. So hell yeah I'm leaving a
useless and nasty comment!"
Of course, this is merely the tip of the "live from my mom's basement couch" aggression, moving well past the, "Only an idiot would do that ...I woulda handled that situation better
Whatever, dude. For every one of you who goes away, three more message board bullies show up. It's unending. But it sure is entertaining!
3. To Hipster Mommy: Your 1-year old's "favorite band" is not, in fact, "Belle and Sebastian," any more than my 2-year old's "favorite stock analyst" is "Richard Sylla." If, at age 10 (or 6), your kid loves quality music, I'll celebrate that fact with you. If, however, she likes the modern equivalent of N*SYNC or NKOTB, I'll be happy to share a drink and a laugh with you. Let your poor kid find her way, before you get her pre-fitted for custom hipster Ray Bans. She is not you - she is of you. Definitely expose her to good music......but don't project it on her, as if it is hers. You know, I started listening to punk rock at age 11. On tapes. It's in my blood forever. And yet, I'm happy to sing along with my kid to "The Fresh Beat Band." FTW!
|My child is soooo gifted,OMG!|
Now where's my ambien?
|"Hey man, don't tell my kid not to bite.|
We're teaching him to learn his own
rules, and not depend on society's
norms like "don't eat poop." Leave
him alone, he's not a robot, dude!"
And heads up - none of the mommies at this birthday party are going to sleep with you, as you spend the party lurking in the background, picking at your hipster beard, and acting too cool to chase your kid around. Your son will be in sports soon. He'll find out what happens when he pushes around a kid his own size. You'll have another opportunity to be a good parent then, and I hope you use it wisely. If not, and you decide to tell me all about it anyway, I might straight up hang you with that stupid scarf.
|Clearly superior tactics and quarry,|
compared to catching a 20lb steelhead
on a spinning rod
Oh Orvis Jesus, forgive me, you are so far superior to me because we use different types of $200 fishing reels made in the same factory, and made of the same exact materials, nearly identical rods made from the same blanks in the same factory, and nearly identical lures to catch the same fish in the same river. How can I even sleep at night, faced with such inadequacy in myself?
Look, now, fly fishing's license to act snotty ran out about 70 years ago. Regardless of the fact that it requires more skill than baitcasting or spin fishing.....it's still just another way to get a hook in the water. Love it. Embrace it. By all means. But don't chastise others for not caring about $200 floating fishing line.
|Farm Bureau sees no conflict between|
their mission to sustain American
farming and their lobbying to allow
farmers to subdivide and develop
their land at the highest possible
You lobby against real estate taxes on farms, yet complain when ample funds for farm conservation (funded by real estate taxes) are not available. You claim to support voluntary pollution reduction on farms, yet when the opportunity arrives, tell your farmers that enrolling in such voluntary programs is inadvisable and will lead to "government control." You claim to support landowners' rights, but spend tens of thousands of dollars in lobbying every year to retain blue laws preventing landowners from hunting their own properties on Sundays, even when it is legal and safe in 44 states to do so.
You guys have been winning battles from a long time, so I'm sure you don't see the end coming, and don't care. I've pulled up a lawnchair to watch the inevitable crash.
8. To My Kid-Bearing Friends with Local Parents: I'm jealous. There, I said it. Now on to you. Please don't complain to the rest of us because your free day care for 4 years isn't available 3 days per year. Please don't complain because your parents can "only" watch your kids for free for "the first two weeks" of your vacation (who gets a 3 week vacation anymore?). Please don't complain that you "only get two date nights a week" and one of them, one week, got ruined (ruined, I tell you!) because your parents couldn't take your kids (for free, again) one night. Here's a reality check: most of us have to spend $8K - $12K per year, per kid on day care. Most of us have to pay a babysitter $50 a night (plus her dinner) if we want to go out with our spouses for dinner and a movie. Each time. Yup. That's what it costs.
So please don't act like a tough guy because you get to go piss around at a mountain cabin for the weekend and ride on a forest road in a Subaru "good thing for the AWD!", with no prior notice or planning, all possible only because your mommy can (and will) watch your toddler who poops on himself every 6 hours.
You are not, in fact, a tough guy (or girl). You are fortunate to have a wonderful, positive, and local support system. When you blog or post about your totally gnar-core mountain weekend, I want to read that guy/gal's report - the one who is conscious and thankful of everything they have.....gracious. Not Capt. X-Treem who happens to have free day care and free babysitters for life, and forgets that poignant detail less than 30 seconds after dropping off his kid with his parents, for free, again, for a week.
Well, thanks for reading my complaints. Hopefully it'll be another six months before they queue up again! And no, none of this is about you.