Friday, June 22, 2012

Hank and the Search for Pennsylvania's Tenkara Sasquatch

My wife (blog here) (etsy here) had some kind of advanced photography shindig up in Southeastern PA recently and since the region is well known for its optimal habitat for Tenkara Sasquatch, Hank asked me if we could go find that timid, complex beast.  Actually, Hank's exact words were more like, "Daddy! I'm Batman! Daddy! I pooped my pants! Daddy! I want ice cream!"   But up we headed, into the land of duPonts and of Ladies Unnecessarily Wearing Riding Boots and Riding Pants Around Town for No Reason All The Time.  Also known as the Kennett Square - Valley Forge Wildnerness Area of Pennsylvania. What we found there was peculiar...and disturbing.

We learned that all modern Pennsylvanians live in tiny houses -
certainly no home for a Sasquatch!

Hank showed me that despite the placement of defensive artillery across the landscape
by local Pennsylvanians in recent weeks,
Tenkara Sasquatch had indeed peed right here, like 10 minutes ago.

We were pretty surprised that the Amish were not trying
to rollerblade down this dirt path, which I believe passes for a "state highway"
in Pennsylvania.  The length of the on-ramp (non-existent) is certainly identical.
This house was much bigger, and we were pretty sure that either
the Governor of PA, or Tenkara Sasquatch lived here.

Well, the Pennsylvanian villagers wonder why Tenkara Sasquatch is always so mad,
but then the Pennsylvanian villagers leave Tenkara Sasquatch nasty tea biscuits to eat,
and this horrible freaking rough-cut lumber bed to sleep in.  Duh.
Note to Tenkara Sasquatch: we will totally hook you up with some more tea biscuits.
Hank is real sorry he ate all of yours.
We looked for Tenkara Sasquatch down by Valley Creek,
but apparently Valley Forge National Park, whose mission
is to provide public access to these places, governed by
the National Park Service, whose mission is to provide
public access to outdoor recreation, would rather spend $10
on a cheap "keep out" sign than to actually restore the damn stream.
Don't worry, NPS biologists.  One day, Tenkara Sasquatch will get you.
Then you'll be sorry you didn't apply for grant funds to restore the stream.
Actually, you probably won't.  Because you work for NPS.
Hank asked the seasonal park employee where he might find
a display on Tenkara Sasquatch, but this is where she sent us instead.
Dude, not even close. 
These Pennsylvanians were flying a Confederate Battle Flag, obviously
cognizant of the great support lent to the CSA's cause by
the Commonwealth of PA back in the good ol' days of 1861-1865.
They claimed to have four Tenkara Sasquatch mounts in their trailer,
but could not take the time out from cooking meth
to show them to Hank and I.
We learned that in an obvious WIN for personal freedoms,
silt fence is apparently not required for 10+ acre, totally unstabilized construction projects in PA,
in the pouring down rain.
I guess Tenkara Sasquatch can build his own filtration plant,
or put the silt fence up his damn self.  Hell no I won't pay for it.
Silt fence is for commie land grabbers. 

Finally, our hunt for Tenkara Sasquatch met its logical conclusion when we were arrested and deported to Maryland when Amy finished up her super spiffy super pro photography class, and in exhausted defeat, we struggled back to the state line, picking up such meager provisions - typical of Pennsylvania - as Capriotti's subs and coffee and pastries from The Cafe at Terrain.

With such truly meager provisions finally secured, we slept soundly, knowing that Tenkara Sasquatch continues to wander the suburban sprawl neglected public land ancient forests of Southeastern Pennsylvania.

Note: we really do enjoy PA and we get up there about a half-dozen times per year.  I do not hate Pennsylvania, nor do I think you all live in tiny houses and trust me, I do not think that there is anything "meager" about Capriotti's.  Philadelphia is a beautiful city and I know that you are all not Amish, just most of you.  But seriously, your on ramps are horrible.  They are five feet long.  What's the use of that?


Anthony said...

Great post but in PA we call them "launch pads" not on ramps.

Kirk Mantay said...

That is awesome. Had not heard that before!

trailers said...

Wow! Nice share. Lovely photos indeed.

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